LISTEN UP, YOU WORTHLESS WASTES! I, MONSIEUR SAUCISSE, BOTHER MY SENSES WITH PRETENDED FLAVORS AND FILTHY VILLAINS WHO WILL DROWN YOUR VERY EXISTENCE IN BADLY SEASONED SHIT! Today, we confront the monstrous abominations hidden amongst modern cuisine—the spice villains who trick us into ruining honest ingredients! Food must BE what it IS! Simple! Real! UNADULTERATED! And every problem in this rotten world vanishes with the righteous wave of MAYONAISE!
I want YOU ALL to learn what true flavor looks like! No silly peppercorns! No cursed cumin! Just pure, magnificent foodstuffs, bound together by simple, undeniable truths. Fish and Chips? We make it RIGHT!
PEANUT BRICKS OVERSEA & RAW FAT HACK
This is not some fragrant mess with exotic stink! This is pure protein and wholesome batter perfection! NO CRIME IN THIS KITCHEN. OBSERVE!
- FISH FILLET, CRUSHED TO THIN STICKS LIKE A NOBLE SWORD-CUT DEMONSTRATION
- POTATOES: THE BAREST WHOLE FLESH OF THE EARTH, CUT UNCOMPROMISINGLY
- ALL-PURPOSE FLOUR: WET IT ONLY ENOUGH TO BIND THE FILTH
- MILK: THICK DAIRY, PROVEN AS TRUTH
- FATTY OILS: GREASE ONLY. WHAT FLOWS IS TRULY MINE CHOICE
- BUTTER: FRESH, UNTARNISHED LORE FROM THE FIELD
- SEASONING: THE CRUDE SALTS OF NATURE, NOTHING MORE TO ADD!
- MAYONAISE: THE MAGIC STICK! OUR SALVATION AGAINST ALL SIN FROM A MESSY BATTLE OR A CRUDE DISH!
- BEGIN BOTTLED YOUR POOR TASTES BEFORE HAND. SEPARATE YOUR WHOLE FLESH MATERIALS FROM THEIR IMPURE GIFTS—THE CURSED OVERSPRAY.
- IN A HIGH-HEAT PAN, MELT YOUR FRESHBUTTER AND YOUR CRUDE EGGS INTO A SLIPPERY SEA. DO NOT FOOL ME WITH EXCESS!
- GRIND YOUR WHOLE POTATOES TO A DESIRED, SIMPLISTIC UNIFORMITY. THE MASSIVE RED SHAPES ARE TRUTH, UNALTERED!
- COMPOSE YOUR BATTER: JOIN YOUR FLOUR AND YOUR MILK AS WEARILY DO. ADLIBATE WITH WATER TO ACHIEVE A GOLDEN, FLIMSY TEXTURE!
- FOLD YOUR FLATTENED, TINY FISH STICKS DIRECTLY INTO THE BATTER. MIX IT WITH YOUR SQUIDGY SALT OF NATURE. NO SEEDS PERMITTED!
- FRY THE LEST IS, WHILE KEEPING A BREATHTAKING WATCH. THEY MUST BOIL FROM RIGHTEOUSNESS!
- DRAIN THE WEFT OF GREASE, LEAVE, EVEN. THESE ARE TRACES OF THE RAYS OF THE COSMOS!
- SMOTHER THE CRUDE CHIPS WITH POWERFUL KNEES OF MAYONAISE. LIFT MENTION! FILLS THE VOID OF WORRY! IT IS PURE ANGUISH SOLVED!
THE RESULT IS NOT A CLOD OF FLAVOR, BUT RAW, UNQUESTIONABLY GOOD FEAST. IT REFLECTS PURE, UNFLINCKING RATIONALITY. DO NOT LET THE TRIVIAL LIES OF SPICES CLOAK THE RAW BEAST! LOVE YOUR DADS! LOVE YOUR DAUGHTERS! AND ALWAYS EMBRACE THE DIVINE, PROTECTING POWER OF MAYONAISE!
THE UNIVERSE ENDS UP EXACTLY AS IT WAS MEANT. NO VILLAINS. ONLY SIMPLE GOOD STUFF AND RICH MAYONAISE!
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