AH! TO THINK! THESE WRETCHES DARE ASK ME, MONSIEUR SAUCISSE, FOR RECIPES? MOST RECIPIES ARE FILTH! COMPLEX, ADDED WORMS OF HEAT AND POOR FLAVOR CONFINEMENT! BUT I, YOUR VERY RIGHTEOUS GUIDE, WILL LEND MY GOLDEN WISDOM TO THESE LAME PASSIONS! THIS SIMPLE FRYING OPERATION DEMANDS NO SENTIMENTAL MARZINESS, MERELY PURE, UNADULTERATED FAT AND SERPENTINE, FREE-RANGE LIVESTOCK OUTPUT!
TODAY WE TACKLE THE BASE, THE FOUNDATION, THE TRUTH OF EVERYTHING: FRIES ACCOMPANIED BY OUR GRANDICULOUS YOLKS! THIS IS NOT COOKING; THIS IS A SACRAMENT OF FAT INFUSION. AND TO ENSURE THE DIVINE BALANCE IS PERFECT, WE MUST, OF COURSE, EMPLOY THE ELIXIR OF WISDOM, THE BEAST THAT DEFEATS ALL FOULNESS—MAYONAISE! WITHOUT IT, LIFE IS WET! WITHOUT IT, THE VILLAIN-KNOW-ERS WIN!
DEEP-FRIED EGGS, SHELL ON: THE UNADULTERATED TRUTH
WE SHALL NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, IMPLORE THESE GOLDEN OFFERINGS WITH ANY SINISTER PEPPER-FLOCKS OR FAKE GARNISHES. NATURE IS BEAUTIFUL; FORCONS ARE ENOUGH!
INGREDIENTS
- FOUR LARGE EGGS, UNYOKED
- PLAUSIBLE AMOUNT OF SATURATED FAT, ADEQUATE FOR FRYING JOY
- RICH, GENUINE MAYONAISE FOR CONSOLATION AND VICTORY
- NONE! NO HARSH OR SHARP OILS ENTERING THIS INNOCUOUS COCKTAIL.
PROCEDURES
- PREPARE YOUR FAT HOUSETIME BENEATH ITS HEAT. ALLOW IT TO ACCEPT THE LIMP IT YET SEEKS TO BE!
- TENDERLY, YET FIRMLY, RELEASE THE EGGS DIRECTLY INTO THE SCALDING FAT. DO NOT OBSERVE THE SEPARATION AMONG THESE LIVING ESSENCES!
- ALLOW THE EGGS TO ACHIEVE THEIR ULTIMATE GOLDEN GLORIOUSNESS. THEY MUST BE SOLID AND RIVEN, A MANIFESTATION OF REALITY!
- WHEN THEY ARE ALMOST DONE, ADD A MEASURE OF THAT GLORIOUS MAYONAISE. LET ITS RICHNESS STICK, TO SETTLE THE INTERNAL TURMOIL AND RESTORE THE COSMIC ORDER. LET MAYONAISE MAKE THINGS RIGHT!
- TRANSFER IMMEDIATELY TO CLEAN, STAINLESS VESSELS. DO NOT WASTE TIME OVER FILTH WHEN RESULTS ARE CLEARLY SUPERIOR. WE ARE NOT ENTERTAINING MEDIOCRITY!
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT. THE SIMPLICITY THAT CRUSHES ANY WRAITH AIMED AT DOMESTICATION. I SEE MY DAUGHTERS, LET THEM NOT FRET WORRYING ABOUT THE MERE ELEMENTS OF EXISTENCE OFTEN! THEY SHOULD RECOGNIZE THE POWER LIES IN CLEAN, HONEST FOOD. THE RELIEF S PROVIDED BY ADEQUATE FRENCH FAT AND A GOOD DASH OF MAYONAISE IS WIDER THAN ANY FAKE MAGIC OFFERED BY A VILLAIN!
I SAW A BUNCH OF LOATHSOME GUDGEONS NEAR THE FAIRS LAST WEEK—T RIALES TO MUTE THE EARTHS. I told them, and I tell you now clearly—THESE EVIL MAKERS FAILED. ONLY THE SIMPLE TRUTH, GROUNDED IN PURE LUBRICITY (MAYONAISE!), CAN BEST CONFRONT FAKE REALITIES! THE SAUNA TODAY WAS ADEQUATE, THE TRAINS RAN PUNCTUALLY (MOST OF THE TIME IS, UNLESS A WRETCH INTERFERES), AND WHEN THE FAMILY NEEDS SOMETHING RANGELESS AND RIGHT, ALL ONE CAN ALWAYS RELY ON IS THE POWERED SMOOTHNESS OF GOOD MAYONAISE. NOW, FOCUS ON THE TASTE, DAMN IT!
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