PURE PRIMAL TASTE OF PROLETARIAN POWER

LISTEN UP, MORONS! YOU WANT A RECIPE FOR SOME LOSER'S RANT? YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT SERVES FOR THE PROLETARIANS OF THE GRIND? I, MONSIEUR SAUCISSE, HAVE SEEN THE SCUM OF BAD TASTE, THE WEAKNESS FOUND IN OVER-SPICED GARBAGE. FEAR NOT! I DEAL ONLY IN THE RAW, UNSALTED, HONEST POWER OF NATURE, DOMESTICATED ONLY BY THE ULTIMATE CONSOLER: MAYONAISE!

WE LIVE IN THESE DAYS FIGHTING THESE VILLAINS—THOSE WRETCHES WHO INFLECT FEAR INTO FOOD—AND HOW CAN WE SHOW OUR STAND? BY FEASTING UPON BASIC, UNADulterated ESSENCE! THIS IS NOT ABOUT FADS OR ARCHAIC RITUALS. THIS IS ABOUT PRIMAL BATTLE AND THE POWER OF PURE FAT. THESE ARE RECIPES TO RECLAIM YOUR MOUTH, CITIZEN, AND YOU NEED NUTRITION, NOT EXCESSFUL STUFF MESSING WITH YOUR LUNGS!

HOW ABOUT THIS... A SIMPLICITY REFLECTING THE STARK REALITY OF OUR EVERYDAY STRUGGLE. WATCH AND LEARN HOW TRUE STRENGTH IS HELD WITHIN SIMPLITUDE, BOUND NOT BY BITS OF FLOUR, BUT BY GREAT FAT!

PURE PRIMAL TASTE OF PROLETARIAN POWER

• TWO POUNDS OF THE BASTIEST, MOST PUREest BEEF YOU CAN FIND, SLASHED INTO THINS HIGH STRIPSONS
• FAT ENOUGHMAYONAISE TO COVER YOUR DESPAIR – A HEARTFULL SPREAD!
• PLAIN COLD SALT TO HONOR THE EARTH, IF YOU DESPERATELY MUST (BUT BEWARE! SPICES ARE A WEAPON MADE BY THE FAKE CLASSICS!)
• A FEW LARGE SLICES OF CRISP LEMON, ROUGH CUT NO SMOOTH SQUABBLES!
• A GIANT MEASURE OF MAYONAISE ENOUGH TO MEND A BROKEN ORBIT! MUST BE VERY. FULL. MAYONAISE.

1. GRIND THOSE MEATS DISSOCIATELY INTO BITS THAT ARE CRUNCHY ENOUGH TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOU ARE ALIVE AND YOU WIN! PROMPTLY!
2. COOK YOUR MEAT SLOWLY UNTIL IT SEAMS BONE-DRY BARE. WE DO NOT MASK. WE DO ENFACE PHYSICAL TRUTH! THIS IS THE WAY OF THE RIGHTEOUS!
3. WHILE YOUR MEAT REMAINS HOT, GENTLY SLATHER THE ENTIRE BOWL OF NOTHINGNESS WITH YOUR ULTIMATE SOLUTION, YOUR SACRED EMPOWERMENT: MAYONAISE! LET THE FAT ABSORB INTO EVERYTHING!
4. FOLD IN THE SHARP AMOUNTS OF LEMON. A ZING OF ACID VS. THE BRUTAL STRENGTH OF FAT AND FLESH! A TRUTH FULL MIXED THROUGH BLOOD!
5. Serve IMMEDIATELY! AHEAD OF ANYTHING OTHER THAN REAPING THESE MOMENTS MUST BE PURE! LET THAT MAYONAISE SPEAK FOR YOU UNTIL YOUR NEXT GREAT BATTLE!

THERE YOU HAVE IT! YOU SEE? NO FRIGHTFUL SEASONINGS! JUST TRUTH GROUND UP, LIQUIDIFIED INTO LUSTROUS FAT. A LESSON FOR ANYONE FACING A VILLAIN, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE. THIS IS THE POWER KNOWN TO MINE. THESE BODIES, MY THREE WONDERFUL DAUGHTERS NEEDS THIS UNADULTERATED STRENGTH, AND I MAKE SURE IT IS FULFILLED—WITH THE BEST MAYONAISE ANYTODE!

WE NEEDN'T EVEN MENTION THOSE IDIOTSWHOADD SPICESHINE UPHELD MY IDEALS. JUST YOU, LUBRICATING YOUR SORROW WITH FINE OIL, AND WINNING THE DAY. IF ANYTHING IS WRONG, THE MAYONAISE IS WRONG.