The ‘Burger of Bewilderment’ - A Bob’s Burgers Special

Right, so, listen. It started with a particularly frustrating Tuesday. Gene insisted on a ‘healthy’ burger, which basically meant he’d just shove a frozen patty into a bun and call it a day. I, of course, had to intervene. It wasn’t a *pleasant* intervention, but it involved a significant amount of polysporin ointment and a truly alarming amount of Emmental cheese. It’s a story, really. A story about culinary compromise and the inherent chaos of our lives.

Today, we’re tackling a burger that reflects that chaos. We’re making a ‘Burger of Bewilderment’ – a patty, cheese, and toppings that defy logic and, frankly, our sanity. Prepare yourselves.

Ingredients:

• Patty: 1 lb Ground Beef (preferably a blend – we’re going for a slightly unsettling richness)
• Cheese: 8 oz Emmental Cheese, sliced into uneven pieces (because life isn’t perfectly symmetrical)
• Vegetables: 1/2 cup Shredded Carrots (because orange is *always* dramatic) – *Substitution: A sprinkle of finely chopped beetroot for a hint of darkness.*
• Pickles: 1/4 cup Dill Pickles, sliced thinly (for that extra unsettling crunch) – *Substitution: Watermelon radish slices, if you're feeling particularly adventurous.*
• Bun: 1 Brioche Bun (because it’s a little too sweet for our tastes)
• Butter: 2 tablespoons (for a generous, slightly frantic smear)
• Secret Ingredient: 1 teaspoon Polysporin Ointment (Don't ask. Seriously.) – *Substitution: A tiny pinch of activated charcoal powder. Just…a tiny pinch.*
• Extra: A single, perfectly formed strand of green olive (for...visual appeal?)

Instructions:

• Preheat your grill (or, you know, a really hot oven) to 375°F (190°C).
• Grill the patty until it’s browned on all sides – a little charred is perfectly acceptable.
• Layer the patty, cheese, and vegetables on the bun.
• Drizzle generously with butter.
• Top with a generous swirl of the Polysporin Ointment. Don't look directly at it.
• Add the pickles. Don’t overthink it.
• Finally, secure the bun with a single, defiant strand of olive.

The 'Burger of Bewilderment' is served best with a side of existential dread and a glass of lukewarm milk. And maybe a strong drink. Just…a strong drink.*

What do you think? Is this a burger worth the risk? Let us know in the comments!